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A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked
bread may be
health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of
the smell of
baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic
components of
this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about
global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but
when is the
government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered
should make
anyone think twice....

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in
the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within
24 hours of
eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
proven that as
little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a
mouse. The average
American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of
cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
"harder" items
such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human
body is more than
90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being
taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey
bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to
distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete
celebrity TV spots
and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills
we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which
may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.


Please ask every reporter you know to inform the public about
this crucial

Remember - Think idiotically, act globally.

Does our government know about these statistics?